Pissing in the Snow and Other Ozark Folktales by VANCE RANDOLPH

Author:VANCE RANDOLPH [RANDOLPH, VANCE]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780252013645
Barnesnoble:
Publisher: University of Illinois Press
Published: 1976-11-01T00:00:00+00:00

42. The Double-Action Sailor

Told by Frank S. Bates, Argenta, Ark., August, 1940.

One time there was a sailor come to this town, and he had ribbons on his uniform. And also his pants was buttoned at both sides, instead of in front. Pretty soon he propositioned one of the town girls, but she says no. “I don’t never fool with strangers,” says she. “What could you give me, that the home boys ain’t got?”

The Navy fellow looked kind of surprised. “Lady,” says he, “it must be you don’t know about sea-faring men. These farmer boys ain’t got only one pecker apiece, but I’ve got two.” The girl never heard of such a thing before. “You’ve got two tally whackers?” she says. The fellow told her yes, and he says all sailors is built double-action that way, on account of the government regulations. “This I’ve got to see,” says the girl, and down the road they went.

Soon as she come to the brickyard the girl rolled over and pulled up her clothes. The sailor unbuttoned his pants on the right side, and he sure did give her a good screwing. Then they both laid there and rested awhile. Pretty soon she says, “Well, let’s try the other one.” So he unbuttoned his pants on the left side, and pulled it out. But the goddam thing just hung down, limp as a rag. “Look at that now,” says the sailor, “a-sulking because he didn’t get to go first!” The girl just set there a minute, and then she laughed till the tears run down her face.

She busted out laughing the next night too, when the navy fellow wanted to take her out again. But she wouldn’t go with him. “Sailors is educational, and I wouldn’t have missed it for anything,” she says. “But when it comes to steady company, these single-action country boys is good enough for me.”

[X712.2.3.1]

The humor of this story hinges on the style of sailors’ trousers, which, until after World War II, were fastened by a row of buttons on each side. Legman, Rationale, I, 143, gives a related story, heard in New York in 1950. A hobo’s penis keeps falling out of various holes in his unpatched pants. The housewife who is giving him a handout marvels at the number of pricks he has. The theme is deceptive suggestion of multiple organs, and of course is related to the many other tales of multiple penises (see Number 40 of this collection, “He Had Three Sizes”).

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